Dads.

The Needs of Fathers of Children with Disabilities

I recently read the above article, written by Sir Barry Carpenter, a dedicated and a proud father of Katie Carpenter. Sir Barry gave an inspirational speech and performed the song “Sing a Rainbow” with Katie during the recent NECIC in Sibu. Sir Barry brought many powerful messages for professionals in Malaysia; the importance of early intervention, being flexible and creative, about fathers of children with special needs and many more.

Huey Sien and I attended the 'Meet the Expert Session' during the conference, and listened to three respected fathers: Associate Prof. Koay Teng Leong, Sir Barry Carpenter and Dr Lim Boon Hock, as they shared their experiences and perspectives in bringing up a child with special needs.

They shared their marvellous journey, from struggling and finding resources, to relocating just to find support for their child, to how much they appreciate the help from their wife, family and wonderful people they met. And for the first time in my career, I listened to a father who shared how he felt when he received the news that his child is different.

It was indeed a good wake up call for me when they emphasized the father's role in bringing up children with special needs. Sir Barry had reminded us that Dads are different from Moms.

“We don’t do coffee mornings, we don’t share our feelings as openly as women do”, and of course, men are different from women! And I think men often only say what is really important and needed to be said."

Then I realised that’s why it is less likely to hear Dad’s complain when I conduct team meetings on weekdays during office hours. When Sir Barry mentioned that men hold day jobs, it also made me realize why I rarely get both parents to attend our fortnightly meetings. It is easy to take parents’ efforts to show up at meetings simply as part of the routine. He pointed out to the professionals that we have to be “Flexible and Creative” when working with families.

Since that very inspirational morning, I realised that I have somewhat been neglecting the silent yet important partner of the team. Since then, I have been listening and learning so much more, from both the fathers and the mothers of the children that I am working with. So here are some tips to my fellow professionals in this field of therapy.

Dads know what we are doing, even though we don’t see them often.
I recently found out that one of the father's at our centre reads our session notes the the minute he comes back from work daily.  He’ll try out any new game that his son has learned on that day!

Dads often have more fun play ideas than we have. They were boys once, if you don’t know already.
We are currently teaching a child how to play bowling at our the centre. Her Dad made it more fun by taking her to play it at the actual arcade! It’s so much fun that she often doesn’t want to leave.

Dads, if you need to see them, make an appointment. They will make it. 
Sir Barry wants us to meet both parents, he emphasized parentS, if there’s any important news or results to inform. And be flexible so everyone can participate in the effort.

Dads, they don’t talk as much, but they observe, they listen and they do the background work.
Oh yes. Dad usually is the person who makes good observations and has good and rational perspective. Hence, sometimes they make good decisions because of that. Also, recently two of the children that I'm working with benefited from a resource that I received from a father.

Let’s make it easier and possible for Dads to participate.  
We need to keep checking if we have been neglecting the Father's need and input. It’s time to do some “Thinking Dad". As Sir Barry said, we need to be Flexible and Creative in our services! 

Written by

Lee Yu Ying

Consultant, EAP Malaysia